Please SHARE my story of recovery for suicide prevention…
5 years ago, I was on life support because I reached out for help. Starting Dec 8 2014 by going to an emergency room where I was stripped down and put in a room alone with no blanket or tv or anything…
I laid there sobbing and hopeless dying to be saved somehow. After 6 hours they released me with even less hope. I struggled with this everyday and again in crisis went to my Dr June 17 and they sent me away because I didn’t have a 25 dollar copay. Again my life was worthless without cash…
I journaled and was trying to survive 4 hours at a time….
Waking up with 18 hours to live through seemed unbearable so I broke it down to 4 hours trying to find hope and trying to get better. By July 13 when I couldn’t get through 4 more hours I called a crisis line and she ended up in tears and couldn’t offer me anything other than try a hot shower or a walk…
I called my Dr again saying I was in crisis, could he see me and again no copay no Dr. Things got much worse and Sept 26 I took a bottle of Johns heart medication and he found me unresponsive, barely breathing and eyes rolled back in my head. I was placed on life support, in a coma, and woke up in intensive care on Sept 30 2015. I was so angry. I’d never felt anger like that. Angry that I let people I loved make me feel unworthy to breathe the air I breathed and that they’d all be better off if I was gone. Ugh. I wanted gone so badly.
I needed relief from the suffering. I had a NDE (near death experience) that is documented with IANDS (International Association for Near Death Experiencers). I believe I was in Heaven’s Womb. At first I thought I was in purgatory and either gonna be in that realm eternally or it was a holding place till I went to hell for attempting suicide 3 times that year. You can blame it on drugs or the coma or whatever but anyone that knew me prior to 5 years ago, and know me now can tell you all things are possible through Christ who strengthened me.
I am writing a book called, “In Heaven’s Womb”. I hope someone will read it. I hope I can help one person have hope. Since 2015 I have been a very active advocate for mental health reform. I never wanted any one to have the experience or 30 year journey I had, desperately seeking mental health.
The cure for all this is learning to live mindfully, in the present moment, nonjudgmentally. We are all one…we are connected…we all bleed red. I am now a certified mindfulness mentor and give the 52 week email mindfulness course free to anyone interested. Mindfulness is now in schools and our children will thrive because of it. I suffered from acute anxiety by age 15 and placed on valium. By my late 20s I was diagnosed with treatment resistive depression. By my 30s they said I was bipolar. In 2012, I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. Having been on many “cocktails” and therapy that offered no relief, I ended up suicidal and on life support in 2015.
Mindfulness has set me free. I no longer suffer from depression or anxiety. I’m off of 27 years of meds, including xanax that stole a few decades. My hope is to help a hurting soul live their best life by learning to live mindfully, on purpose, in the present moment enjoying a life of gratitude. I’m not a Dr or therapist but an example that all things are possible!
Here’s a poem I wrote called LEGACY
Born to be kind But felt so hated
Wasn’t prepared and eventually faded
Tried too hard to be the best
Got mentally pounded, BRAIN NEEDS REST
A rescue story you wouldn’t believe
A bushel of miracles I did receive
He lifted me from those ashes,
A FREAKING MIRACLE IS WHAT THAT IS
From 50 years of my self hate
To inner peace and feeling great!
Molded, transformed and sent back with a healing
LOVING MYSELF is a beautiful feeling
Feeling anointed by His Grace
I discovered Mercy up in His place
Now at least I hope you see
What He did for a wretch like me
Exceeded all of my expectations,
Delivered me from my tribulations,
No more need to leave a legacy
Another me will never be
Hope to be in Eternity
with Father, Son and an illuminating me.
Laura Jones – North Carolina