I have no memory prior to the events that led up to my NDE. My husband, John, is a retired United States Marine who served 23 years active duty, now retired and disabled since January 2015.
I don’t remember wanting to overdose or even feeling depressed just prior to my overdose on September 29, 2015. I also had no memory that I ingested anything or caused my intensive care hospitalization until about a month later with a visual flashback.
While on life support at Rose Memorial Hospital in Denver, Colorado, I can only remember being very alert in darkness. I knew I was in a different realm. I knew I wasn’t alone but I also knew the only thing there was the presence of God. I had no fear, although the thoughts I was having at the time was if I was in purgatory, if this is where I spend eternity? I felt relieved I wasn’t in hell or seeing demons. I felt like I was on my way to heaven but was held in this suspended animation state, (not seeing but knowing I was above my body) and I noticed there was no suffering inside of me. I had never felt whole, loved unconditionally, forgiven, accepted as I did during those moments.
It seems as though I was basking in a pool of love, of total acceptance and had thoughts that I could stay there for eternity and be just fine. I was glad I wasn’t being abused anymore by myself, my family, my husband as I had been recently.
I didn’t feel like I was there for very long at all. Although, while there, I was savouring every moment, being extremely mindful, observing every thing I could, all while receiving a “knowing” above anything I’ve ever known before.
I woke up on 9/30/15 to see my husband sitting next to me in intensive care. He told me I had been on life support. I look ahead and on the board in front of me it said, “Unresponsive.”
My husband told me he had found me lying on our living room floor with eyes open, not blinking, very shallow breathing and he called 911. They didn’t allow him in the ambulance.
We had no car. We surrendered both as a result of John’s cut in pay after becoming disabled and not receiving disability pay. He had to take the bus to the hospital. When he arrived I was full of gear he said. My left forearm was swollen from thrashing either from seizures or who knows, it puzzles me.
I was extremely angry when I woke up. I woke furious that the people I devoted my life to defined me as a person not worthy of living. I was angry that I wasted my entire life out of fear and people pleasing.
I’d never been so rude or angry to anyone in my life. In fact, I walked out of ICU on 10/1 at 10:30 at night, and they let me. I was so drugged from the drug that Michael Jackson had been on. They told my husband they gave me largest dose possible to stop me from thrashing etc. The doctors never told me anything at all.
My NDE has completely transformed my life. The more I accept it, the more joy I feel. The more I can inspire hope in someone, the better off I will be. Too many people are dying.
How does one enter mental health therapy in 1987, receive consistent therapy and medication for 30 years to this month and end up diagnosed in 2012 with Borderline Personality Disorder and attempting suicide three times in 2015? How does that happen? I was never one inpatient. Not even for a 72 hour hold.
God was protecting me. My mental health provider turned me away in a crisis. The emergency room treated me like a criminal and traumatised me.
I no longer have symptoms of any mental illness. I received complete healing together with learning and practising mindfulness daily and life skills learned through dialectical behaviour therapy.
From the time I was a child I was overflowing with love for everyone. I still have that strong love. Love is what it is about. It’s not about what you have, it’s about what you give. Please help me give hope to other mentally ill families, suicidal people, and anyone doubting that life ends when we died.
It does not. We go on. God is real and he is LOVE beyond words and has that powerful love for us, each of us, all over the world.
We are all connected. Keep the beat!
Do you have a story to tell? A story of how mindfulness has transformed your life? Please send to John: firstname.lastname@example.org